Live Simply

Tomorrow marks the 4 month countdown to my 30th birthday.  I can't believe it.  And yet, at the same time, I can.  I've decided to start writing again.  This time with a real purpose.  This time so that, I can reflect on each day, and how it changed me, for the good, or the bad. 

I have a goal in mind, a goal to keep track, for the next 4 months at least...but hopefully a year of things I am grateful for day in and day out. Things that are sometimes overlooked. 

What makes me happy.  Generally.  You know what makes me happy?  A hike. A good, long sweaty, mind focusing hike.  My dog Ruby.  A good cup of coffee, that I made.  Pancakes at home.  A phone call with a close friend, or family member.  A long, hilarious text message conversation with my little brother.  My Nephew.  The Summer breeze in Napa.  My car washed.  My bed made.  Oh, the list can go on and on, and it will.  But first I'll start with these. 

For the last year, I've noticed little by little a chip on my shoulder.  But nothing anyBODY, or anyONE person has created.  It's my own.  I list all these things that make me happy, so then, why do I find myself in a constant state of want?! I WANT more clothes...I WANT a fancier car. I WANT  diamond earrings..I WANT...I WANT....ugh.  This is so not me.  Or at least it didn't used to be.  I didn't used to equate happiness with things.  Before my 20's I was a waitress, and made my life on tips mostly.  I never cared about fancy clothes, or fancy purses.  In fact, I'm not a purse girl at all...I never cared if my nails were freshly manicured.  I really only liked having my hair done, and a nice fitting bra.  My closet was the size of my coat closet now, and even then it wasn't full. And I was content.  And I was pleased. 

I can't put my finger on it.  Maybe that's what drives me so bananas.  Why?  Why do I compare myself so often?  Why don't I count my blessings.  I constantly find myself reading fashion blogs and thinking gosh...I wish I could buy that...so, then I do...and what do I find myself with?  An expensive pair of shoes, and remorse for being so ungrateful for the things I have.  I'm not saying it's not nice to have nice things.  It is...and by all means, I think it's important on occasion to spoil yourself.  But why am I doing it?  Sometimes I think I attribute my splurges on the fact that, I have for the better part of 6 years entirely supported myself, and a household in the last year where the other person was going to school.  I am still able to after the bills are paid, buy something...show it off.  I think part of me realizes that 9 years ago, while I may have been happy, had I had the chances to buy the things I can now, I probably would have.  I don't know.  And that is what I am setting out to do....figure out what it is that truly, deeply, makes me happy, what it is I am grateful for now, and what I have been overlooking for so long.  Cause honestly, overall, happiness is what I want.  It's all I want.  When I reflect on my days, and realize the things I have, instead of the things I don't.  I am happier.  I hope I find truly what I am looking for.